What you should settle for in a partner, he says, is nothing less than what he calls “the good enough” relationship.
“I think the ‘good enough’ relationship is one in which you get treated with respect and love and affection, and those are the essential ingredients,” Gottman tells NBC News BETTER.
He says the “good enough” relationship requires trust and commitment as a baseline for happiness in your relationship.
“Building trust really involves your partner really having your best interest at heart, not just their own,” he says, “and commitment means really cherishing what they have in you rather than resenting what’s missing.”
I think the ‘good enough’ relationship is one in which you get treated with respect and love and affection, and those are the essential ingredients.
I think the ‘good enough’ relationship is one in which you get treated with respect and love and affection, and those are the essential ingredients.
Don’t have expectations that are too high or too low
Gottman says some people believe that to be happy in a relationship, they need to lower their expectations to avoid disappointment. This, he says, is a bad idea, because when you lower your expectations, you are more likely to settle for being treated poorly.
“A ‘good enough’ relationship is not a relationship where people are psychologically and physically abused,” he explains.
While a “good enough” relationship is a baseline for how you should expect to be treated, it’s also important be realistic, he says. All couples have ongoing conflict, he says; what’s important is how they manage it.
“All relationships have disappointments where people get their feelings hurt, that just happens,” he says. “It’s part of the course in relationships just because there are two brains instead of one brain.”
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